寻：电影版

不知道这是第几次看 looking 了。我也和很多人推荐过这部剧。我记得第一次看的时候觉得话痨无聊，第二次看时觉得击中心灵，这次看觉得，乏善可陈。

不管是第一季、第二季还是电影结局，最让人揪心的还是 PK 恋。从第二季像找到真爱般，甚至共同建设彼此的生活到戛然而止、毁灭一切，到最后一季，回到熟悉的 SF，司机问 P 这次回来感受如何，P 说，你要过几天再来问我这个问题。

突然想到今年见到的几个老朋友。第一个是师兄。认识十年的基友还保持联系的其实并不多。大我 8 岁的他，关系是很好的了。就连我在美国的时候情绪崩溃，他当时在剑桥，我还是可以打电话跟他谈心的那种关系。今年 4 月在杭州，5 月在南京以及 7 月在北京分别见了一次。我有一个特别大的体会就是，每次见面时间都很长，聊很多，但是我们终于再也不用聊「爱情」了。这种感觉就像电影版里 P 对 Dom 说的那样，终于某种程度上变成 Adult 了。不再继续那些青春期式自恋自爱又自怨自艾的话题。注意力开始从狭小的自己彻底移开，开始关注世界。

还有一个朋友是和师兄一起玩的小圈子。这个师弟当年就是我们里面最任性的，毕业后我和师兄分别成了青椒，他则进入金融业大展身手。毕业时交了一个隔壁学校的男朋友，用他的话来说「见到的时候就觉得是这个人了，没有任何怀疑」，后来师兄偶尔回京查阅资料，他还带这个男友来。当然和很多俗气的爱情故事的结局一样，他们分手了。

在南京出差的时候，在前台 check in 的时候偶遇了师弟，然后才把师兄从杭州急急如律令招过来。我到达时候是周五的下午，为什么会在酒店遇到他呢？因为他解释了长三角的出差，不想回北京，就在南京留下来，等到周日晚上才回来。

我叫他做「不想回北京的人」。

为什么不想回北京呢？在那段关系之后，他似乎失去了所谓的 Mr. Right，但若真是 Mr. Right 又为何会失去呢？他男友事实上是结婚去了。师弟讲着各种故事来显得这件事有道理，可以原谅，但我们都知道，他就是说给他自己听，因为那些故事一点都没有逻辑，根本毫无道理可言。

我从美国回来，半年了，生活浮浮沉沉，我似乎又被确认成了一个确定位置的角色，无论多么想要挣脱，都还是会被定义。我们三个，相识十年，都在人生里选择了一条路往下走，但是终究是注定人生漂泊。

所以我想，P 是一个兜兜转转的破坏者。他永远活在自己懂的卡通剧情里，随时都要拿出来形容一番，他随时都会有所谓的自己的心情、想法，想当小三是他，忍不住爱是他，要搬进去的也是他，放弃的也是他。就算他自以为「成年」了，但仍旧是兜兜转转的起伏，在见到 K 之后又忍不住困惑，无法自言奇说为自己辩白；见到 R 又以为旧情复燃，他以为他爱了，他总在回头看过去的时光，但他永远不会认真的停下来，忍住，把自己想清楚，承担自己的角色，然后再去爱。

但他身边的人都长大了。Dom 有了自己的 Chicken Window, Doris 甚至已经要打算要孩子了，最不靠谱的 Augustin 都结婚了，K 含着泪告诉他 coz I love u。所有人都在生活里坚实的走下去了，只有他还在左顾右盼，感动自己然后哭的像个孩子，然后复又把自己搞砸，连带赔上别人的爱。

Patrick 这个人物太形象了，我们每个人都应该能从他身上看到自己的影子。但人生不能一直一直总在否定，总在破坏，当你决定长大的时候就要开始在破坏的同时去建设。从这点上我站 K，他可能也不是一个稳定的角色，at least 他一直活在谋划在建设。

最后觉得 R 太可怜了。到结尾了再次充当备胎，以我看过的人生故事来说，这绝对不会是一个好的爱情故事。备胎转正，也只能是过渡角色。

Okay, I'm going to ask you something. Were you actually ever in love with me? Yes. I... I think so. I mean, I certainly loved the idea of us. 'Cause I could have made it work. I could've. When I said I wanted to be monogamous with you, I meant it. I didn't want you to make a promise you couldn't keep. Fuck you. How'd you know I wouldn't keep it. Anyway, that's not why we broke up. We weren't right for each other. No, no no, no, no, no, no. How do you know that? I just did. I... I do. But you-- you didn't even try. You didn't even try. You moved in one day, you moved out the next. You didn't even fucking unpack. Listen, I admit that I handled that horribly, Yes,but I apologize for that. And... (sighs) Isn't it better to quit rather than drag out something that you know won't work? Okay, well, in a nutshell, there's your problem. What is? You, you, you. You quit, you run away. You don't take risks, ever. What are you talking about? I moved in with you. No, no, no, no, no. Patrick, the risk would have been trying to make it work. The risk would have been putting in the hard graft to make it work. Now, I-- I don't want to seem like a cunt,but you are a coward. Oh, I don't think that's fair. I couldn't trust you anymore. And I-- I don't know what hard graft means, but I don't think I've been a coward at all. Okay, well, I think the facts tell a very different story. Would a coward have moved to a different city? A new job? Left everything behind? You-- you basically moved home. And are you sure you didn't run away and not move away? They're two very different things. And what next? What next for Patrick Murray? Huh? When that doesn't work out, I'll bet you a million dollars, you're already looking for the next thing. You are. I know you. You run away and you are a coward. You were a coward with me. You were a coward with Richie. Enough, Kevin. Jesus. You hit a few potholes in the road and instead of trying to navigate through it, you slam your brakes on, you start crying and you run the other direction. Why would you do that for me? Seriously. After...everything? Well, because despite everything, Patrick, I just want you to be happy, man. Why? Why? 'Cause I love you. Look, don't stay in Denver. Come back. And you can take that from someone who moves around to constantly avoid dealing with things. It never works, but I think you know that already. 　《桥头风景》时 RT 有次接受采访被问到在《寻》第二季最后为什么对 Patrick 那么渣，他反驳到你在一段外遇中认识的我，你应该清楚我是怎样的人，你应该清楚自己在做什么，但 Patrick 的应对显然不够成熟。 主持人辩不过只好说 “我们百老汇这群人就是看不得 Jonathan Groff 不开心嘛。” 　　 　　现在看完电影才意识到 RT 对角色的理解一直都是对的。大家觉得 Kevin 渣是因为最后是他用一个吻打破暧昧的，但这不能代表 Patrick 就是两人中更无辜的那个。之前的搭讪、加班、基友助攻等也不能让人家装傻装不懂。 　　Kevin 和 Jon 分手后在门口等了一晚上，问 Patrick 愿不愿意给两人一个机会的时候，Patrick 毫不犹豫的答应了。但对 Kevin 来说，真正的 take a shot 是 take a risk，是离开相处两年的男友，是搬到一起住，是遇到问题时试图解决，是在对方的要求下尝试成为更好的自己而非瞬间变身为对方理想中的自己。Patrick 的逃避显然是不够成熟的。Patrick 说的 “我无法相信你了” 是个很好的理由，但是 Kevin 在咖啡厅说的每一句也都一针见血。 　　 　　开始觉得一段对话就洗白了编剧好厉害... 后来才知道结局是一开始就定好的，再回头听两个人刚在一起时那首结尾配乐的歌词都是和最终的人设相呼应的： 　　Sweetheart may not be easy 　　But we're trying hard to hold on 　　Trying to make it better 　　And I said baby you set my soul on fire 　　I got two little arms 　　To hold on tight and I wanna take it higher 　　 　　Baby you never should say never 　　I got a hurricane inside my veins and I wanna stay forever 　　虽然没在一起但还是觉得 Kevin 和 Patrick 这对已经是剧里所有关系中设定和刻画的最深入完整的。